Lies I tell myself...

* I'll blog more often.

* This new medicine will work.

* Sure, book that trip! I'll feel better in May.

* I will run today.

* I will walk the dogs today.

Lies I tell everyone else...

* I'm fine.

* It's not that bad.

* It doesn't get me down!

The truth? I lie to myself and to you every single day. I have to. If I didn't, then I would curl up in a fetal position in my bed and never get up. 

I tell myself every day that it won't hurt as much, and most of the time I am wrong. But I tell myself again the next day, and the next. 

I ignore the pain, the stiffness, and the fatigue, because if I didn't then I could not work, create, or dream. 

I ignore my hands and use them and push them and curse them.

I lie to everyone. I lie, lie, lie... And because I do, I am living and hoping and laughing and crying and believing that tomorrow might be different. 

Snow Envy

The East is socked in and I am jealous. 

We had a blizzard a few years ago and I loved the brutal quiet and cold. 

I loved watching dogs cavort and try to clear two foot drifts with their stubby legs. 

I loved how it slowed everything down and doing nothing but watching snow, making soup, and curling up with cats was completely acceptable and anything else was frowned upon. 

New Year = New Commitment

I've been a terrible blogger this past year. Granted, the year pretty much sucked, but that is no excuse. You would have loved to have read all about the suckage, yes? Doubt it. 

So, a bit of a recap in photos and then a commitment to better blogging for 2013!

Mr. Dumbles started off the year by adopting this Christmas basket and making it is own space. We have left the basket out all year.

 Noodle spent most of the winter and all of the spring battling mono. She was one sick puppy!

The school year of 2011-2012 ended (my first at the Junior High) and I was ready for summer. It was a difficult year for so many reasons, but I was determined to hang in there and give it one more year.

Ah, sweet summer!



San Antonio trip and a summer party!


Noodle got Braces!!!





Back to school for the 2012 - 2013 year! The kids this year are soooo sweet!

I know, awful thing to spring on you, but I broke my toe in August, just after school started. Through the summer I had been running and training for a 5k. Then I tripped, in my bathroom, and it all came to a screeching halt. I haven't been able to run since. My RA seems to have been able to scout out the vulnerable toe and settle there once it healed. 

Older daughter has to have a theme for her art portfolio this year. She's chosen her incredible steampunk/mechanical pets.




I taught the novel "Anne Frank:Diary of a Young Girl" for the first time this year. It was powerful. I learned so much from my kids and we learned a lot from the book and each other. 





The last week of school before the break was surreal and sad because of the tragedy of Sandy Hook. My kids made cards and I mailed the to Connecticut. 



Not to be ever left out, Chloe and Zoe were festive and merry throughout the holidays.

Since October, my RA has been relentless. Some days are ok, others are hard, really hard. I think this month my doctor and I will look at other options. 

As I said, I am committing to being a more consistant blogger.  I hope you stick with me through this next year. 

Fire and Ice

My life changed, just a bit more, this weekend. I look forward every year to my four days at the Oklahoma Arts Institute. I haven't felt well. I hurt, and I ache, and I am tired. The fatigue that comes with an autoimmune disorder is impossible to explain. Thursday I left for Quartz Mountain and yesterday I came home. 

It was too hard.

The mind games I had to play with myself were exhausting me to the point of tears. The pep-talks in the mirror became hollow. 

I couldn't keep it up and I left. 

The fires in my joints slowly burn and smolder. In the morning, the fires are cold, the pain is like ice, dry and as hard as diamonds. I feel like I crack as I try to move. 

Artist Girl turns Seventeen

I stopped comparing my life to Hannah's a long time ago. 

Birthday dinner

Her trajectory veers nowhere close to mine and I rejoice. 

Mr. Dumbles insisted on joining in.

She has been solidly entrenched in her teenage years for awhile now, but not like any teenager I know.

This year I started to see and hear the faintest hints of an adult woman slipping through her words, formulating in her grace.

But when she opened her gifts, she stated loudly, "I plan to open my presents like an eight year old every year now!"

So each year, I can look forward to a glimpse of the eight year old. 

Hello young woman.

The Artist's Summer...

Older daughter has had a busy summer, not all of it good. Poor girl has had some toe issues and is recovering from minor surgery on her big toe.  She'll be good to go for the start of school next month.

She completed and passed Driver's Ed. With some more practice, she might get licensed this spring. She did get her permit,

and that meant going to Stillwater

which means a stop at Eskimo Joe's. Yum!

For the last few weeks I have been taking her to Edmond for art classes. She likes it, even though all the other students are adults. She hasn't learned anything that she already knows, but is enjoying the time to just paint and be with other artists. 

Her talent and knowledge still delights me. 

Who knew this 

would eventually be this?

The other shoe...

Since March, I meet with a trainer twice a week. 

Since June, I walk/run with Couch-2-5-K two to three times a week. 

I'm feeling stronger and healthier. Methotrexate takes one, sometimes two, days from me because of side effects, but it gives me five to six days of movement and every day is relatively pain free. 

But, every day I workout I know it might be the last. My new med regime won't always work. 

The other shoe dangles just over my head, waiting to drop.