Saturday, November 03, 2012

Fire and Ice

My life changed, just a bit more, this weekend. I look forward every year to my four days at the Oklahoma Arts Institute. I haven't felt well. I hurt, and I ache, and I am tired. The fatigue that comes with an autoimmune disorder is impossible to explain. Thursday I left for Quartz Mountain and yesterday I came home. 

It was too hard.

The mind games I had to play with myself were exhausting me to the point of tears. The pep-talks in the mirror became hollow. 

I couldn't keep it up and I left. 

The fires in my joints slowly burn and smolder. In the morning, the fires are cold, the pain is like ice, dry and as hard as diamonds. I feel like I crack as I try to move. 


Lyndsey Chapin said...

Joan, I am so sorry to hear this. :( I wish I could do something to help! Hoping you feel well again, and no pain!

Jill of All Trades said...

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine.

I've always wanted to go to Quartz Mountain...maybe next year I will do it!

Feel better!

The Lady in Pred said...

I am so sorry. I know too well the mind games you are talking about. I love that song, and it becomes one of my favorites when I am struggling. Prayers for you. Hope you are better soon.

The Castro Family said...

This makes me teary-eyed. I am praying for relief from this pain for you. :(

joan said...

Thank you for the comments. They mean so much.

Hey "Ms Castro" I see your blog went private. I'll miss your musings.

abcsofra said...

Your words just broke my heart. I truly can empathize with you. I have been there and still to this day (14 years and still counting) having to say no and turn away from something or someone I love due to my chronic condition just saddens me still. The best I can say is it is OK. You can forgive yourself. This is what you must do to heal when you need to. Is it easy? No but like I said it has taken my more then 10 years to finally be able to say no I can't and not feel quilt or even anger. (((HUGS)))

Intense Guy said...

:( I'm so sad - I hate seeing anyone hurtin' and such a nice person like you makes it doubly hard.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Anonymous said...

Perfect tune for your pain Sis.