Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lies I tell myself...

* I'll blog more often.

* This new medicine will work.

* Sure, book that trip! I'll feel better in May.

* I will run today.

* I will walk the dogs today.


Lies I tell everyone else...

* I'm fine.

* It's not that bad.

* It doesn't get me down!


The truth? I lie to myself and to you every single day. I have to. If I didn't, then I would curl up in a fetal position in my bed and never get up. 

I tell myself every day that it won't hurt as much, and most of the time I am wrong. But I tell myself again the next day, and the next. 

I ignore the pain, the stiffness, and the fatigue, because if I didn't then I could not work, create, or dream. 

I ignore my hands and use them and push them and curse them.


I lie to everyone. I lie, lie, lie... And because I do, I am living and hoping and laughing and crying and believing that tomorrow might be different. 

8 comments:

Intense Guy said...

I'm so saddened to see you are hurting - and that your attitude shows signs of buckling under the load of non-stop pain. :(

Hugs.

A hope? perhaps - worth follow up - maybe - I've heard of people that can go into remission from RA by following a rather severe diet proposed by a Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I'm not advocating per se' or suggesting you "buy anything" - just look at what he says about "Super Immunity Solution" (it's detailed in a cheap paperback book) and basically says "go vegetarian heavy on the greens, fruits, and beans".

I started this in October - due to shoulder and diabetes problems - I've lost 80 pounds since then - never been hungry - and and off 5 of the 9 meds I was on - including insulin! In April, pending lab tests, I likely will be off the remaining 4 meds.

I have modified his diet a bit - but it forms the core to what I am eating these days. If this helps you - I will be thrilled - if not, well, it didn't hurt to suggest it... in the hopes you would feel even a little better.

The Castro Family said...

i <3 you.
and i am praying always for you.
can i do something?
:(

Terry said...

This winter has been very harsh on my hands/fingers/wrists. Hoping that warmer weather will bring us both some relief (any relief is good).

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

You are on the prayer list.

JenW!~ said...

HUGS and Prayers for you and hopes of a better tomorrow.

Lyndsey Chapin said...

Hi Joan, I sure hope you are doing better, and things will work out for you. I haven't been on the computer or blogging since January after a family tragedy. I wish I could help you, you will be in my prayers, and hang in there! I know what it's like to take one day at a time and telling everyone that you are fine. Lots of love, Lyndsey

Joy from hou,tx said...

Hello Joan,
I just found your blog; wonderful, real and sweet. Been on medical leave for 2 mths. This ra monster of my own has had me down (& lying down) for @ 10 mths. I've lied to myself over & over. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this means for my future. I've been encouraged though, thanks,
Joy

joan said...

Joy,

Thank you for commenting. I hope you find relief soon. This monster can be tamed, sometimes, so keep fighting and hoping and dreaming.